Posts Tagged ‘disappointment’

So you may initially think this blog isn’t entirely year abroad related but when I read this article http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8286939.stm I could not help but feel like I knew exactly what the writer was talking about. Even though I’m not particularly anxious about money or getting a job, as I already have both of those, I am still worrying about a lot. Particularly disappointment. Me. Being one. I’m worried that I don’t know enough French, that I might not be able to cope, after yet another weekend meltdown. There definitely is too much stress involved in this year that is meant to be an enjoyable experience.

I settled down early on Sunday afternoon to fill in paperwork in order to receive my erasmus grant payments through the university erasmus program. I filled in all the simple parts; name, address, university, course. Then I went on to do the rest, with the guidance notes up on the screen in an email sent by the international office, but could I do it. No. No I couldn’t. There just wasn’t enough guidance to fill in all these forms. I wasn’t aware that Britain had become a bureaucratic nightmare like France. Cue stress, self-doubt, panic and then eventually many tears. It’s almost as if they want us to crack under all this pressure. I’ve never doubted my mental health as much as I have these past few weeks. Eventually, after plucking up the courage to tell my mum that I was having yet another breakdown and having yet another pep talk, I put the papers back on my desk and they’ll stay there until I have a day confident enough that I won’t crumble. Instead, I booked my flights home for Christmas. Giving me a countdown and event in the future to look forward to, or if… no! WHEN I start to love this experience, to dread. I think I need one of those posters with the kitten dangling from the washing line. Hang in there, baby!

It’s 07:53 right now (06:53 for all you Brits) and I am preparing myself to leave my apartment to commence my first day in my language assistant post. Whilst I’ll only be observing the class and finalising my timetable j’ai toujours peur!!! Bon chance à moi!


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