It’s been a while.
I had another meltdown. Yes, another, they’re unpredictable, unforeseen and unbelievably horrible. Feeling rubbish is one thing, but feeling rubbish in an unfamiliar surrounding is worse. Okay it could be argued that Carcassonne is no longer unfamiliar, I no longer need my maps to get around, I know the cool places to go and I am now, I’m sure you’re all pleased to know, fully aware of how the roads work. So why the meltdown? The answer is, I’ve no freaking clue. Overwhelmed? Daunted? Stressed? Or just simply tired? Maybe all of the above. I find it hard to talk to people and tell them my true feelings, always have. However, in the early hours of the other morning, I managed to muster up the courage to send my mum a text telling her I was sad and unsure why. She rang me first thing the next day to help and together we figured out what was potentially bothering me. There’s a lot to do here, I’m not just an assistant who has only assistantly duties to attend to. I have university work and erasmus grant forms to try to do – on top of lesson plans and trying to keep my own little room clean, tidy and organised. My mum calmed me, organised me and sent me on my way – of course still feeling rubbish, it doesn’t just go away like that.
So now I’m still organised, feeling a tad happier and determined. Today was a journée d’entraînment (training day) so I had no school. Instead me, the other 4 Carcassonne primary assistants and the primary assistants from Narbonne sifted through teaching resources at the Inspection Academique and searched the web for useful lesson plans. Whilst I feel the day was useful I am still very much daunted by the teaching, maybe it will get better and give me more confidence? Or maybe it will remain the bane of my life for the next 6 and a half months? I guess we’ll see.
Ce soir we went to the cinema encore. This time the film (36 vues de pic Saint-Loup), whilst having a more bizarre storyline, was easier to understand. Okay the gist of the story was lost in some places but the French was much easier to understand and I felt a greater sense of achievement.
I also feel that, whilst I’m not necessarily showing it through the medium of my oral capacity, I’m getting better at French. I can form sentences perfectly in my head, it’s just the pressure of needing to answer quickly and also fear of being judged that makes my words come out not as they are in my head. Before the words come out of my mouth I can see them in my head, I can see the correct verb endings, the correct tenses, the correct words and idioms… but as soon as my mouth is open in even the slightest pressurised environment, it comes out a great big jumble of wrong. I think I need to work on that.
One last thing before I go and essayer de dormir; someone has been smoking in my little corridor thing. I noticed the smoke smell in other places in this building but never anywhere near my room.. now all I can smell in my room is smoke. If I can still smell it tomorrow I’m telling the landlady. I know I sound like a tattle but I’m finding it hard enough to live in France already without having second hand smoke pumped through my lungs unwillingly.